Tues. jan. 5,2010

Today I realized that what God led me to write posted on the wrong dashboard & felt that God wanted me to post it again so here it is:
Hello dear friends, Today I feel God leading me to share another installment of my journey the last few weeks with Him. I've never been much of a writer but the words that were swirling around in the room that I was in are beginning to take shape and pour out onto paper so as I pluck them out and transpose to paper, here they are: Wos, it has been such a
journey since last week. God has been teaching me so much more & writing them down helps me to remember. They are just too important to forget. As I stand and look at the
mercy seat where He sits and beckons me to, His robes are beginning to stain with His blood that He shed for me. His blood runs down into rivers of mercy, not just for me, but for anyone who will run into His arms and sit there with Him. Even there, the enemies of my soul try to sneak up and lure me away. You would think that after last week, I would be above all that but oh no, I still am vulnerable to their taunts and their lies. I am still me with all my flaws. So, what happens when I mess up again? Instead of staying there, I jump off and run away from His presence. I ask myself "how could this have happened again"? I thought I was so much stronger than that. I have failed Him again! I blew it again! And so, I run. I am embarrassed, humiliated and angry at myself. What am I going to do now? What can I say or do to gain my Lord's favor again? How can I show Him how much I still love Him? There must be some way of proving my love to Him. And so, I back to trying to earn His favor again. He keeps calling me back to the mercy seat, "your only hope is here with me. There is no forgiveness anywhere but here with Me on the mercy seat". I ask myself "how can I go back after the way I've failed"? I have to find some way to prove to Him how serious I am about walking with Him. And so, I try harder, work harder but still He calls me and waits for me to come once again to the end of myself and run to His mercy seat. It is not taking as much time though between sprints as it once used to. I am learning some very difficult lessons. I am punishing myself for my failure, forgetting He has already forgiven me. I had once again sentenced myself to my own private purgatory. Still, He watches and waits for me with joyful anticipation but I am too busy looking at myself with disgust. He calls me over and over again until I turn and run to His arms and throw myself on the mercy seat with Him. I cry out as Paul did in Rom. 7:14-24. Again He reminds me of what He said in Rom. 8. There is No condemnation in Him. He tells me again that if I will come and sit with Him, He will fight my battles and destroy the enemies of my soul. I cannot win this war. He has already won the war for me. Why do I choose to back & live in the land claimed by my enemies? He tells me to come to live with Him in the land that is His and that He will conquer my enemies and make my land His land. This is the mighty Lion of Judah who is proclaiming this not only to me but for all who would come to His mercy seat and sit with Him. It is here that I am discovering a truth that is bringing such joy & freedom to my heart. Hypocrisy is not a matter of action but of heart. My genuinely painful struggle and hatred of the things I do Proves my heart Is towards Him. My heart Is dedicated to do what is right. I am discovering that flesh and religion are strange bedfellows for while they seem to be working against one another, they actually confirm one another's rebellion against the love of Him. Religion tells me that what I am doing is fine but the guilt and shame remain. It is only His blood that flows thru the mercy seat than can truly wash away the guilt and shame of my sins. My flesh will always support the legalism & control of religion for it will always ensure the absence of His presence. True conviction & repentance are only accomplished here at the mercy seat by Him. When He says I am forgiven, His words will penetrate the deepest recesses of who I am, freeing me from the harassing guilt of my sin and condemning memory that religion wants me to carry. His genuine forgivness renews my resolve and brings deliverance to my life. There is NO amount of works or penance that I can do that can bring this about. No amount of church attendance, bible memorizing or anthing else. It is only His presence that can bring me true freedom from the residue of my sin. So I must learn to run, not hesitate, to the mercy seat, to Him. It is there that He will hold me and speak words of forgivness and healing to me. It is there that He will fill my heart with peace and I will find rest. I am not just saying this, I am finding it to be true over and over again. I hope you will learn to run too.